take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.