youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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