Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
