Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
