Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize