i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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