just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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