dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I stole a fireplace last night.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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