my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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