My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
