You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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