My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Drake has all the answers
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
