Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Randomize
