Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
He better not be in your backpack
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
