i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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