Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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