I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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