hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
