Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
