My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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