My liver just broke up with me...
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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