he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
