why didn't you poke me back
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
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I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
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She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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