I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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