I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
