i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
