Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
