i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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