Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
