She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize