I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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