The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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