why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I have tasted many bathrooms
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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