Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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