Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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