Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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