i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
