Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
