Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
