glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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