I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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