Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
