Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
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I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
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the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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