When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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