just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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