seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
