I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I think I died a long time ago.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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