I cannot find my penis.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
