Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
