My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
