is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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