my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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