i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
