I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
