as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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