this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
