A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
